The War on the Five Knuckle Shuffle
Throughout the ages, humanity has faced many challenges—plague, famine, war… and teenage boys beating their meat like it owes them money.
And for some reason, instead of accepting that maybe humans are just gonna touch their willies from time to time, generations of parents, doctors, religious fanatics, and unhinged inventors have gone full Rube Goldberg trying to figure out how to stop masturbation.
They used everything from promising damnation, creating massive masturbation guilt, and devising contraptions that would make the Spanish Inquisition blush.
Let’s take a stroll down this sticky-fingered memory lane and honor the weird, wild, and wonderfully misguided attempts to stop boys from spanking the monkey.
Corn Flakes: The Anti-Boner Breakfast of Champions
Dr. John Harvey Kellogg, the man who ruined cereal forever, believed that sexual urges—especially the solo variety—were the cause of literally every problem ever. Acne? Masturbation. Weak morals? Masturbation. Thinking about boobs? Masturbation. Liking spicy food? Masturbation. (Seriously.)
So what did Dr. Kellogg do? He invented a bland, joyless breakfast cereal made from corn that was so flavorless it could demoralize an entire dormitory full of teenage boys.
His theory? If you eat boring food, you’ll stop wanting to hump everything in sight.
Spoiler alert: the cereal aisle didn’t stop a single sock from needing to be thrown away because it got crusty.
Cock-Blocking Cuisine: A Menu of Mood-Killers
Corn Flakes weren’t the only thing served cold on the anti-masturbation menu. Throughout history, people genuinely believed certain foods could douse the fires of puberty like a wet sponge to a birthday candle. The logic was simple: exciting foods = exciting pants. So naturally, they declared war on flavor.
Here are some of history’s most tragically bland anti-boner bites:
Graham Crackers – That’s right. Sylvester Graham, another 19th-century anti-sex crusader, believed that spicy foods and decadent meals stirred the loins. His answer? A cracker so dry it made communion wafers look provocative. The original Graham cracker was unsweetened, unspiced, and morally superior—basically cardboard with judgmental energy.
Plain Rice and Boiled Potatoes – Doctors once recommended these as the dietary foundation for pure thoughts. Why? Because they’re about as sexy as a beige wall. Bonus points if they were cold. Extra bonus if you cried while eating them.
Milk, Milk, and More Milk – Some “experts” preached that large amounts of milk would suppress sexual desire, turning testosterone into tranquil obedience. In reality, all it probably did was give a bunch of lactose-intolerant boys something new to cry about.
Avoid at All Costs: Meat, Butter, Coffee, Chocolate, and—God forbid—Garlic – Anything flavorful or stimulating was seen as a one-way ticket to handsy-town. Meat was considered especially dangerous, as it supposedly filled the body with “animal passions.” So yes—some poor kid got scolded for jerking off and for eating a drumstick.
The Jugum Penis: A Saw Trap for Your Dick
Welcome to the 1800s, a time when men wore top hats, women wore corsets, and boys were expected to sleep with spiked metal rings around their dicks.
Yes, the jugum penis was a real thing. Imagine waking up with morning wood and finding your junk suddenly clamped like it just pissed off a bear trap. That’s what Victorian doctors called a “healthy deterrent.”
There were belts, straps, cages, and cruel-looking contraptions that would make a dominatrix weep—and not in a sexy way.
These devices weren’t for kink. They were for keeping young lads from ever finding out what an orgasm or an erection felt like. (Again—zero success. They just got very creative.)
The Anti-Masturbation Suit: Sleepwear by Way of Guantanamo
If you thought footie pajamas were restrictive, let us introduce you to the anti-masturbation suit—an actual thing desperate 19th-century parents put their kids in to keep hands off hardware during the sacred hours of sleep.
These full-body garments were designed to be unescapable: long sleeves, sewn shut at the ends, no zippers, no flaps, no freedom. Some came with straps. Others had built-in mittens or even light bells (because nothing says restful slumber like being treated like a horny cat in a Christmas tree).
The logic was simple: if a boy can’t reach his bits, he can’t do anything sinful with them. But as with all things in the “War on Wank,” boys simply evolved. They wiggled. They squirmed. Some probably mastered escape artistry Houdini would envy—just to grab a quick tug under the covers.
In the end, the suit became just another symbol of how far self-righteous adults were willing to go to fight a war they never, ever won. Spoiler: they still don’t make anti-wet dreams pajamas—and thank god for that.
Chastity Belts: Because Hell Has No Fury Like a Horny Cleric
For centuries, some really anxious adults believed that male sexual urges were a ticking time bomb. Their solution? Strap it down, lock it up, and throw away the key. Literally.
Enter: male chastity belts. Not just the stuff of medieval myth—these suckers made a comeback in the 19th and 20th centuries. Boys were locked in custom-fitted metal underwear designed to prevent any touching, tugging, or even thinking about pleasure.
The best part? Many of these belts had spikes on the inside to stab your shaft if it dared rise up in rebellion. Because apparently, nothing says “godly purity” like turning your genitals into a pin cushion.
Cold Showers and Hot Shame
The psychological warfare didn’t stop at hardware. Nope, there was a whole list of lifestyle “tips” that made puberty sound like boot camp.
Sleep on hard beds.
Avoid tight pants (good luck, 1970s).
Stay away from horseback riding (thrusting risk).
And for the love of God, never let your thoughts drift to ankles, armpits, or that one painting of Venus you saw in art class.
Any signs of “self-abuse” were met with swift judgment, parental interventions, or a bonus hour of Bible study. Because if Jesus can suffer on the cross, you can suffer through puberty.
Busy Hands, Empty Balls: The Anti-Wank Workout Plan
When cereal and cold showers failed, moralists of the 19th and early 20th centuries pivoted to a new strategy: distraction through exertion. The idea? If boys were too tired, too sore, or too busy chasing balls (the sports kind), they wouldn’t have the energy—or privacy—for chasing their own.
And so began the golden age of wholesome, boner-blocking athletics.
Turns out, the real enemy wasn’t libido—it was free time. The anti-masturbation movement didn’t just fear the hand—it feared the bored hand. So they turned sports into a holy war of sweat and shame, hoping that physical exhaustion would lead to spiritual purity.
Spoiler alert: it didn’t. But hey, at least everyone got abs.
Calisthenics – Simple, repetitive body movements promoted in Victorian health manuals as the ultimate virtue-building routine. Push-ups, jumping jacks, and sit-ups were framed not just as fitness activities, but as masturbation deterrents. Ironically, a bunch of teenage boys doing rhythmic hip thrusts in unison somehow didn’t set off any alarms.
Boy Scouts – Founded in part with the goal of building strong, morally upright young men—code for “keep them in tents with merit badges instead of hands down pants.” Baden-Powell, the movement’s founder, literally warned scouts about “self-abuse” and encouraged constant activity and group camaraderie to keep minds and hands off the goods. And then they created scout camps with horny boys in tents teaching one another about what not to do!
Baseball – America’s pastime? Or America’s purification ritual? Early promoters of the sport praised it for keeping boys outside, moving, sweating, and too exhausted at the end of the day to commit a solo sin. The irony of calling it playing with balls was apparently lost on everyone.
Running Clubs and Outdoor Camps – The logic: If you put a boy in nature and make him jog until he’s delirious, he’ll forget he has a penis. Some camps even structured every minute of the day with activities to prevent “idle time”—aka, danger hour.
The “Scrotum Sizzle Alarm” and Other Modern Sadness
Think we outgrew this madness? Think again. Religious wingnuts are still trying to figure out how to stop masturbation.
Fast-forward to today, and you’ll still find purity movements handing out silicone rings to trap erections, apps to “track your urges,” and even anti-masturbation underwear that buzzes if it senses movement.
Yes, people are wiring boys’ boxers like a damn car alarm. “INTRUSION DETECTED: LEFT HAND ENTERED ZIPPER ZONE.”
And don’t forget the “accountability partners” some websites promote—aka a friend who gets notified if you open an incognito browser tab at 2 a.m.
Honestly, it’s all proof that the war on wanking never really ended. It has been rebranded with Bluetooth, joining a never-ending battle over basic human activities.
Final Thought on How to Stop Masturbation: Maybe Let the Boys Be Boys
All that energy, all that science, all those tormented groins, ruined emotional capabilities, unnecessary depression and anxiety, and devastated relationships… when we could’ve just been honest:
“Hey kid, your body’s going through some stuff. Totally normal. Don’t overdo it. Maybe moisturize and be sure to clean up and wash your hands after you’re done. And oh yeah, your dick size and wanking are as normal as normal can be.”
Instead, we got chastity cages and cereal that tastes like disappointment.
So next time you reach for that bowl of corn flakes, take a moment of silence for all the poor boys throughout history who just wanted five minutes alone—and got a medieval cock trap instead.
FAQs (Also Won't Stop Boys From Jerking Off)
Is masturbation bad or evil?
Only if you do it while texting your ex. Otherwise? Nope. Masturbation is a normal, healthy part of human sexuality. It won’t make you go blind, grow hair on your palms, or summon a demon (unless that’s your kink). The real danger? Shame, guilt, and repressed desire—all far more damaging than some solo fun.
What happens when you stop boys from masturbating?
You don’t. You just make them sneakier. Repression doesn’t kill desire—it just weaponizes it. Boys denied a safe, guilt-free outlet for their urges often internalize shame or act out in less-than-healthy ways. Denying natural impulses rarely leads to purity—it leads to trauma, weird dreams, and probably a lot of ruined socks.
And speaking of dreams—when the pressure builds, the body finds a release valve. Enter the wet dream: nature’s backup plan. If you won’t let the steam out during the day, your brain takes the night shift. No amount of cornflakes or cold showers can stop it. Trying to suppress masturbation often just results in surprise nocturnal eruptions and even more confusion and shame—basically a lose-lose situation in soggy pajamas.
What happens when you impede erections from happening?
You piss off biology. Erections are a normal physiological function. Interrupting or restricting them—say, with metal devices or tight shame-suits—can lead to pain, injury, psychological distress, and an eventual Google search that starts with “Why does it hurt when I try to feel joy?”
So let’s be serious, the real quest should be to figure out how to have a harder penis more often and for a longer period of time!
Is it considered masturbating if I don’t ejaculate?
Ah, the old “if I just cuddle it, does it count?” debate. Technically, yes—masturbation is any self-stimulation for sexual pleasure, whether you finish or not. No orgasm required to qualify for the activity badge. It’s not a sport. There’s no referee. Do what feels good.
Can I masturbate without using my hands?
Welcome to advanced techniques, young grasshopper. Yes, some people use toys, pillows, thighs, furniture, or sheer force of will. Masturbation isn’t limited to hand action—it’s about stimulation, imagination, and possibly having to explain to your Roomba why it’s sticky. No judgment—just maybe wash stuff after.
How old is too old to be jerking off?
The limit does not exist. As long as your heart’s still ticking and something still tingles when you touch it, you’re good to go. There’s no age cap on masturbation—no cutoff where the universe suddenly revokes your solo license. In fact, many older individuals keep the love alive with a little self-service well into their golden years. It’s good for circulation, mood, stress relief, and keeping the cobwebs out of your libido.
So, whether you’re 18, 48, or 88—if the spirit (and the body) is willing, there’s no shame in shaking hands with yourself. Age doesn’t make you creepy—judging other people for it does.
